Balancing Motherhood, Yoga and Writing

Spooky. There really is something going on with computers. First my home PC goes on the blink, and has yet to be resuscitated. Now I’m typing on a public access computer and the blog post I’d just half-written disappears. What’s going on? I’ll start again then.

Seriously, though, the past couple of weeks of being unable to communicate regularly with the electronic world has been a welcome hiatus. Sometimes the only things that stop me being too busy, and finally ‘taking it easy’, are technical breakdowns and illness. I’ve had both recently: a bout of mastitis (an infection of the breast tissue not uncommon in breastfeeding) and a completely dead computer.

I’ve been forced to take up residence on the couch, catch up on my reading (I haven’t read a whole book in a couple of days, for a long time), read countless books to the Pibler because I was incapable of much else, and rediscover the joys of handwriting, rather than typing.

I’ve gone back to the basics of letting pen move over paper, a la Natalie Goldberg and Julia Cameron - ‘just shut up and write’ (i.e. no ‘but I don’t have a computer’ excuses).  I’ve been brainstorming ideas for non-fiction works, re-vamping my novel’s ideas - inspired by Paulo Coelho’s brilliant The Witch of Portobello, a birthday gift, to start writing it again - and continuing with my short story collection.

Of course, I’ve not written much during the mastitis, feeling too nauseous, exhausted and feverish. Despite all my breastfeeding knowledge, experience and training, I couldn’t shift a blockage in my right breast and ended up with mastitis; having to go to the hospital on Saturday night and getting antibiotics. I would have ridden it out stubbornly but my partner was insistent.

In a way I’m almost glad to have had the experience though, because I feel much closer to the Pibler after a few days of spending so much one-on-one time with him, doing very simple things and slowing down so drastically. He seemed concerned about me and gave me lots of ‘cuggles’; he couldn’t seem to understand why I wasn’t bustling around as usual but just lying there. Also, I now have first-hand experience of a breastfeeding problem that I had only theoretical knowledge about, which will be useful in my breastfeeding counselling. I begin the training course on Monday and am very excited about it!

My Kundalini Yoga practice has fallen by the wayside due to sheer physical inability, but I have mostly kept up my  meditation practice. Unfortunately my committment to the 1000-day sadhana meditation only lasted weeks, as last night I fell asleep putting the Pibler to bed at 9:30 and woke up at 3 am, thus missing a day of the meditation! I was disappointed but it was the first time I’ve had more than 2 hours sleep at a time, for ages, so I couldn’t be too upset.

That’s the last time I give my toddler more than a tiny block of chocolate. I received some birthday chocolate in a parcel from his grandparents and couldn’t resist tucking into it this afternoon. The Pibler is very partial to sweet things and I gave up shielding him from them completely some time ago. But then his dad gave him some more later on - and as a result he’s been manically racing around the house, romping on furniture and squealing with delight, until nearly 9 pm.He’s finally conked out - but I’ve learned my lesson. That much sugar (and the caffeine in cocoa) racing around in such a little person’s body is not a good idea! 

We spent a pleasant morning at a friend’s house in Hanover. The plan was that the Pibler would do some finger-painting as his little friend, ‘O’, likes to do. I was quite excited about his first foray into art. But he was more interested in ‘posting’ the paint tubs through the stairgate, than actually making any marks on paper. He did a few twirls with a brush and then was off exploring balls and brooms.  Later he had a great time playing peek-a-boo and bouncing on a bed with his little friend, who he gave a ‘cuggle’ (cuddle) before leaving. He is asking for many ‘cuggles’ a day now, but sometimes it’s not so much a bid for affection, as his way of asking to be brought up to our level, so he can see what’s going on!

On the writing front, another paragraph of mine has been accepted for publication on ‘Paragraph Planet’, this one to appear in March. It was inspired by the beautiful snow we experienced recently, and its aftermath. Once a writer for Paragraph Planet has had three pieces published, he or she gets their own page to publicise their work. So this will be my second piece!

I managed to write a little last night, doing a timed writing exercise with one of my short stories, and some free writing. I find timed writing exercises invaluable when I am struggling with writer’s block, procrastination and excuses. I simply say to myself: okay, I don’t feel like writing, so I’ll just do ten minutes. I set the timer and go, without thinking about what I’m writing. After 10 minutes I’m often ‘into it’ and ready to go on, but if I’m not, at least I’ve kept the momentum of the piece going, rather than just leaving it to atrophy.

I love getting together with other moms of young toddlers and sharing our experiences. One of my friends has a son who’s a poor sleeper like the Pibler, and also a prolific breastfeeder. Another friend is doing a PhD and so we talk about trying to balance the life of the intellect with a life of changing nappies, singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ and still having something left for yourself (and your partner…if you’re lucky).

Today we chatted about trying to find time for writing and study, and we talked about mothers who seem to do it ‘all’, for example doing Phd’s with newborn babies. I shared with my friend how I often compare myself to other mothers: either I feel guilty because I need other things in my life apart from my relationship with my child, which (I judge myself) means I am not ‘earth mother’ enough - therefore not a good enough mother; or I feel inadequate because I am not fulfilling my creative and working potential by doing so little work.

Both of these comparisons bring us up short, instead of helping us to focus on how we, in our individual families and lives, can bring balance and peace to our lives.  This evening during my meditation I became aware of how being a full-time mother with only very part-time, self-employed ‘obligations’, frees me up to enjoy being part of my community in a way I couldn’t do before.

I felt so lucky today. If I had a ‘job’, I would probably have been sitting in an office or something similar all day, while the Pibler was looked after by someone else.  But instead, I got to fulfil both my need for adult company, stimulation, and even intellectual interest, and the Pibler’s needs for being part of a community and learning from the adults around him, by spending the day at the Breastfeeding Drop-in and the Hanover Stops for Tea NSPCC fundraiser, both held at Hanover C0mmunity Centre.

I felt grateful that the Pibler has a regular place other than home where he knows people and can feel part of a broader ‘village’, that he is so comfortable and safe in that environment; I felt grateful for how many people I now know in Hanover and the sense of belonging that gives me; and for the opportunity to be of service to my community and feel part of something bigger than myself.

Somehow, when I was working I led a far more ‘me-me’, atomised existence. I tried to fit my writing and other hobbies around my work, but was frequently so drained by it that I neglected these things, instead spending all my evenings socialising. I have done volunteer work on and off for several years, but often it ended up feeling like just another obligation on top of my paid work, too much to fit into a busy life. Now I can enjoy my voluntary work - and indeed the concept of ‘work’ and ‘play’ have become a lot closer these days. There is less separation in my life, and the different parts are starting to work together far more efficiently. 

The Pibler has been especially cute today, full of smiles, laughter and jokes. He is now able to identify and name body parts - eyes, ears and nose - on both himself and his teddies (well, Eeyore and Pooh). 

Even without a historical context, he seemed to enjoy the little bit of the Royal Pavilion Tour that he, along with me and my sister, saw today (he slept through most of it). He pointed at and named the chandeliers and the fire, looking with interest at the paintings and elaborate wall designs.

I came away from last night’s sangha meeting feeling renewed. We did a lovely Kundalini Yoga meditation for communication, and I think our group is developing in a very positive direction. We have ideas for ways of bringing the tools of the yoga to the community, and have decided to meet more often, including a mantra session before each meeting.

Tomorrow I will be attending the Hanover Stops for Tea charity event to raise money for the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. I’ve been inspired by the efforts of my fellow moms to organise this event, and tomorrow look forward to catching up with them there, and introducing my sister. I hope the noise of many toddlers is not too overwhelming for her! There will apparently be a ‘rock and rhyme’ session for the little ones too.

It’s half-term this week, so no writing course, but I’m going to try my best to get some more fiction writing done. It’s proving challenging without my own study space to write in, now that the Pibler is temporarily sleeping in my room and the TV in the background in the front room is so distracting. Still, I’m managing to write more in my journal which I had been neglecting lately, submitted another paragraph - on ’snow’ - to Paragraph Planet today, and managed to complete an article on toddler rainy day activities for Suite 101 yesterday. 

At my writing course last night we discussed how to plan for longer fiction, mainly novels: tools which will be helpful when I eventually get back into writing my novel! Here are some of the ideas that I found useful:

Keep record cards of:

• details of characters: e.g. their likes, dislikes, appearances, fears, worst enemy etc
• what happens in each scene of the book, so that you could can keep track as you write, and avoid re-writing the same scene by mistake (believe it or not, this happens to a lot of writers, and I’m sure I’ve done it too).
• each subplot of the book
  
• details of the locations of the book: the setting should be as lifelike as possible, and a map of the place you write about can be useful.

Write a one-page synopsis to send to future agents -

Aim to write the synopsis near the beginning of your writing process, and include the ending. I wondered about what to do when you don’t know how it will end!

Vary the pace of the book

• Generally start with a hook into the story, not building too slowly.
• Try to end chapters on an unresolved question or suspenseful moment. You can even switch to a different subplot on the next chapter.
• Vary the mood - don’t be dark or light throughout the book.
• Vary chapter length

A little while ago, when I was working on re-drafting my novel, I read a book called ‘The Weekend Novelist Redrafts the Novel ‘ by Robert J. Ray. Unfortunately I only got as far as the second chapter before realising that what I had was hardly a first draft - more of a jumble, so I had to really start from scratch organising it all. 

I also realised that my settings and characters were unconvincing, which is why the list of ‘questions to ask your character’ that we received on the course yesterday, sparked off some interesting thoughts. At the moment, though, I’m focussing on my linked short story collection, the first story of which I have written a page so far.

I’ve just finished reading a book of short stories by Frances Hwang, called ‘Transparency‘, which deals with themes of modern alienation using the most beautiful yet spare prose.

The stories feature Asian characters, most of whom are American-born, with the gap between the generations as a cause of misunderstanding and distance. I was also struck by the gap between the characters’ emotions and thoughts, and their ability to reach out and express, and get what they needed. 

A conversation with the author, at the back of the book, inspired me because she mentioned studying creative writing formally, and how much it helped her to be part of a community of writers. As writing is such an isolated occupation, being with other people that validate the importance of the writing process is crucial to morale and continued creativity.

Two years ago I decided to do a Creative Writing Masters Degree at the University of Sussex, but was put off after finding out I’d have to pay foreign student fees. Strangely enough, in the month that I would have been starting my studies, I gave birth to my son. This year I qualify for residency so would be eligible for normal fees and associated bursaries/grants. I’ve been seriously thinking about doing this in the next couple of years. It’s something I’ve never allowed myself to do, despite loving words my whole life: immerse myself in the world of literature and learn all I can about how to write. Instead, I followed a course of study that I thought would lead to highly-paid work helping others: psychology. 

Most of my writing experience has been self-taught so far, and I think there’s a lot to be said for that. But I’m looking forward to being able to be part of an intellectual community again. I think that’s one of the things that’s hardest about being a mother for me (aside from the practically zero time alone): the intellectual part of me not being fed as much. I have to seek it out through parenting philosophies and books on the politics of breastfeeding.

Yesterday, though, my two worlds were able to come together at the breastfeeding drop-in as I was referred to counsel a woman with a breastfeeding-related issue, in my role as peer supporter. My book-learned and practical knowledge and training about breastfeeding was complemented by my ability to go beyond the intellectual, really listen to someone without preconceptions, and make creative connections. I don’t know how much I succeeded, although the mother did come to thank me later, but it felt good. 

Today I’m trying to sort out the spare room for my sister’s arrival this weekend - interspersed with helping the Pibler move dry pasta twirls from one saucepan to another, and fending off his regular requests for water to make a mess with. None of that might sound very exciting (although seeing my sister after 3 years apart certainly is!), but actually I’m feeling inspired about life at the moment.

Doing the First Steps in Fiction course, as I’d hoped,  is doing wonders for my motivation at actually writing, and getting my work out there. My first attempt at writing an exactly-75-word paragraph for Paragraph Planet has been accepted, and will appear on their site on 27th February.

I have worked out a synopsis of my proposed linked short story collection (and submitted it to my tutor) and started writing the first story today during the Pibler’s nap. It’s amazing how productive I can be with very little time, these days, since I have no choice but to get right down to work! No procrastinating (well, only sometimes!)

This week’s session was very helpful, looking at different characters’ voices within a fiction story. I enjoyed thinking about how a teenager, elderly person or Scottish person might speak, and bringing that to life. It’s surprising how I hold so much of this knowledge inside but need a course and a facilitator to bring it out! The course is giving me tools that are very simple but I doubt I’d have thought of them myself.

I also am researching children’s book publishers to submit a revised version of a children’s story (to go with illustrations) I wrote a couple of years ago, and got good feedback on from writing friends. Now that I’m regularly immersed in the world of children’s books, and have a better understanding of what they’re about, I feel more confident about it, though I know it’s a fiercely competitive market. 

One of the companies I’m attracted to is Barefoot Books, whose vibrant, colourful and culturally varied books I’m very impressed by. I did once submit the much longer version of my children’s book (which is essentially a fantasy with broadly ecological themes) to them and was rejected, but I think they are still the closest fit to what I want to do. I need to study more of their full-length books, as obviously the Pibler is still mainly at the board books stage.

I love making lists, and today made a rather inspiring one of my career ideas for the next few years. Very long-range, and completely open to change, but gives me a sense of direction and purpose which helps me on days when I seem swamped in a caretaker and house-keeper role.  One of my goals is to pursue some form of study that will enable me to teach creative writing and perhaps other topics - whether that will be a PGE or a Creative Writing Masters, I don’t yet know. But it’s good to have options. My world is widening out again, and as the Pibler grows I feel I am able to re-start the growth in some of the areas of my life that have been ‘on hold’. I feel more and more that what I’m doing and being as a mother is only adding to, and complementing, my experience in other areas.

This morning I held the Pibler up to the window and showed him a picturesque scene of snow-encrusted trees outlined against the white sky, cars barely identifiable beneath heaps of white, and whole families out and about, throwing snowballs.It started snowing when we were at the park Sunday afternoon, and by this morning the snow was several centimetres thick. Apparently it is the most severe snow Britain has seen for 18 years.

We spent most of the day indoors as I was apprehensive about navigating the treacherous slope of the huge hill we live on - but eventually was starting to feel a bit stir-crazy from having virtually no other social interaction for three days running, so made a trip to the supermarket (which was packed). I had to walk at the speed of a snail as I had the Pibler strapped to me in the Ergo baby carrier and felt the huge responsibility of not slipping on the sludgy snow. Fortunately cars were few and far between so most of the time I could walk on the road itself, which was less slippery than the pavement which had been cleared earlier.

We passed a couple of snowmen - one neighbour asked for our opinion on what colour the snowman’s eyes should be - and I was glad we had ventured out to experience the festive atmosphere that results when many people get a day off work, school or university. The transport systems have been thrown into disarray - as ever, Britain is ill-prepared for snow of any magnitude - and apparently the weather will continue this week. 

Earlier on I finally got around to trying out the play dough recipe with the Pibler. At the mention that we were going to ‘cook’, he got so excited he could barely contain himself, and during the proceedings joined in very enthusiastically. Of course, being a bit disorganised, I discovered half-way through that we didn’t have any free-flowing salt, only salt crystals, and so the rest of the ‘cooking’ was more an exercise than any genuine attempt to produce playdough.

Red food dye was soon smeared everywhere in the kitchen and the Pibler was getting frustrated at not being able to fry the mixture himself. I felt a mounting sense of panic at the chaos, worrying about the welfare of the kitchen floor, and wished I had never begun the project. He also became annoyed with the feeling of the sticky mixture on his fingers, so I decided to run him a bath, as he was of course filthy by now.

He happily played with his ducks and water containers in the bath for a good while, while I recovered my sanity. It had been a long hard day, with the Pibler constantly seeming to want things that are not appropriate, and a perfect example of why I don’t stay home all day very often. Yes, the house is cleaner, but I don’t think I was designed to have cleaning as the epicentre of my life. I thought I’d get a bit more writing done, as I managed to do so on Sunday morning, but it didn’t pan out like that, possibly because I felt too tired. Now I’m hoping the snow tomorrow will not be severe enough to keep us housebound again!

My homework this week for the First Steps in Fiction writing course is a choice between writing a short story from an immigrant’s point of view (not difficult, since I am one!), writing a 75-word paragraph for Paragraph Planet, or planning a collection of linked short stories.

I felt inspired by all these topics and decided, time permitting, to try a bit of all of these. Yesterday during the Pibler’s afternoon nap I brainstormed for the short story collection. I won’t give it away here as it’s still in the early stages, but I’m quite excited about it. I also wrote a practice ‘paragraph’ for Paragraph Planet - it’s a good challenge to try and say something, to create a story out of only 75 words. I found it challenging enough to tell a story in 300 words, for the last lot of homework. I ended up writing a story set in Cape Town with a teenage boy as the protagonist, ending in a humorous (I hope) twist. And this morning I submitted a paragraph based on a free writing exercise I did recently in a coffee shop! So we’ll see…

It’s been a good writing week. I received a commendation from my section editor for a book review article I wrote for online magazine Suite 101, and there have been more visits to my articles on that website. I’m managing to make time for a little bit of writing most days.

The weather is bitingly cold and windy at the moment and my plans to go out into nature today - I’ve been longing to get away from the city - have been scuppered. Although it’s not very ‘eco’, I miss having a car and being able to just set off wherever I want. There is some lovely surrounding countryside in Sussex.

But I suppose the weekend house-cleaning mission must continue. Next weekend my sister is arriving from South Africa and I’d like her to come into a habitable environment!

Yesterday I was ’stuck’ upstairs breastfeeding my toddler for what seemed an interminable time, having been interrupted from tidying up when he woke up from a nap. I really wanted to be downstairs doing something else. Inspired by ‘Buddhism for Mothers ‘, I tried to watch my thoughts as they became more and more frustrated, and decided to change tack: I did a three-minute Kundalini Yoga meditation ‘for a calm heart’. It has a simple hand posture, or ‘mudra’ (possible even when nursing!) and the breath is to hold both the in-breath and the out-breath for as long as possible without straining. By the end of the three minutes I felt in a totally different mental and emotional state: I was enjoying myself instead of wishing to get on with something else, I felt peaceful and expanded. If only, I thought, I could remember these little tools on a more regular basis!

As a busy mother of a busy toddler I have no choice but to keep my serenity by opening up to ways of integrating my spiritual practice with all the little moments of my everyday life, rather than waiting for a swathe of time - much like I’ve done with my writing over the years: take what you can get, and make the most of it.

That’s why I enjoyed Kundalini Yoga teacher Gurmukh’s brilliant book ‘The Eight Human Talents ‘ which I refer to every now and then: unlike most Kundalini Yoga books, it doesn’t have complete ‘kriyas’ or sets of exercises, but includes short exercises that can be done in as little as one minute. What’s amazing is that, due to their effect on the glandular and endocrine systems that govern our emotional state, we can feel a difference from even a tiny time committment.

Today I felt a bit like screaming as the Pibler wouldn’t come to get into his pyjamas (he was very tired but fighting going to bed as he often does) and wanted to romp all over the bed instead. I’d had a very long day with him and needed him to just go to bed in the foreseeable future. I find honesty rather than suppression is best in parenting as in most endeavours. So, I told him that Mommy was feeling a bit irritated and needed to take a few deep breaths. I was inspired by a thread on the “Mothering” forums that discussed how to model ’self-soothing’ for young children, how to show them the way to constructively deal with anger and frustration. So I took a few deep conscious breaths and although I felt rather silly, it did snap me out of a downward spiral and re-focused me on my intention of being loving and patient towards my son. 

I’ve stopped teaching the yoga classes I was doing, and am thinking of taking a different tack: gearing my classes towards mothers and helping them find little tools to use at home, to help them with stress and the feelings of lack of control that,I know from talking to lots of other moms of toddlers, can be overwhelming at times.