Balancing Motherhood, Yoga and Writing

Today I checked out a new little market that’s opened up in Hanover, the area where I seem to spend most of my time these days (although I don’t live there).

Hanover, the place where I volunteer at the Breastfeeding Drop-In, and where many of my friends live, is up a rather impressive hill. It is also known as the ‘Muesli Mountain’, and the market is accordingly called ‘the Muesli Mountain Market’. It felt good to support local people and cut out the middleman as I spend far too much at Sainsbury’s lately, my consumer ethics having gone out the window in favour of budgeting.

I enjoyed eating my nice organic greens when I got home, and I think my ‘mother-in-law’ will like the little handcrafted hanging ornament I got her. We had agreed to only get the kids Christmas presents this year, but I couldn’t resist it.

I published an article yesterday on Suite 101 on how to manage stress at Christmas. I seem to have gone into denial myself about not having a Christmas budget, let alone trying to have a smaller one. I even found myself eating a very unnecessary muffin along with my hot chocolate at the ‘Coffee Shop We Shall Not Name’ today. Yes, my consumer ethics have fallen sadly to the wayside, when it comes to supporting cafes that are not local but certainly do have more buggy room and are more child-friendly.

I’ve been thinking about why I blog, and why it’s so strangely addictive. I like being part of the ‘virtual world’, and even if no-one reads my blog (which it sometimes feels like, but then a friend will mention that they read it!), it forces me to simply put words on the screen and unfold the narrative of my life.

I like to formulate my ideas through writing about them, explore new topics that excite me such as raw food and activism for mothers. And I’m hoping it will give me a chance to get back into my photography again by taking some pics to illustrate! Today I’ve managed to write an article for Suite 101 on raw food recipes for Christmas, and do some character work for my novel.

And finally, blogging helps me to get past my internal ‘editor’ because I don’t spend an extensive amount of time on a piece, unlike writing a feature article or essay. So, I get closer to ‘first thoughts’ (as creative writing expert Natalie Goldberg would say) on things, although not of course as much so as personal journalling.

Tonight I participated in my first Falun Gong, or Falun Dafa, session at Manna Cafe. I tried to go last week but was five minutes late so missed the boat. I was blown away by how powerful it was. I went through a full ‘detox’ reaction while doing the movements and meditation: headache, extreme nausea, stomach cramps. I felt things shift and encountered my usual blockage of persistent pain in my middle back - this is something that’s come up during White Tantra or White Tantric Yoga as well as intensive Kundalini Yoga practice in general.

The facilitator explained that Falun Gong gets you in touch with your core truth, and people have been known to cry in sessions, as well as have the reactions I described. The postures look deceptively simple and even easy, but actually being in them is another matter.

I had to drink a lot of water afterwards and lie down. But when anything affects me that intensely, I’m intrigued. It was hard going but I’m going to try it again. I’ve been interested in Chi Gung for a few years and never got around to doing any, but tried some Tai Chi in Mexico with one of my fellow participants in Daniel Stone’s shamanic course. I found it so still, peaceful, and flowing, but I didn’t expect the power I experienced tonight with Falun Gong. Apparently it’s extremely controversial in China, with practitioners being tortured and persecuted by the Communist Government - like many self-development practices through the ages.

Ugh. I’ve had four bad nights in a row with the Pibler waking up what seems every 20 minutes. He has a cough and the remains of a cold, which seem to make it impossible for him to sleep anywhere but on top of my chest, to one side so it makes my arm go dead. Not very comfortable, but if I move - he wakes up. Or even if I don’t move.

Today it really hit me, and I had a bit of a meltdown this afternoon. So often I get caught up in all my plans and schemes and it takes a while to register my sleep deprivation, and really feel it.

I had an uplifting meeting with my Kundalini Yoga teacher and mentor today.  I don’t actually go to any of her classes anymore, due to finances and babysitting, but we still meet up now and again, and it never fails to reconnect me with my sense of myself as a spiritual being.

She’s good at reminding me that although I might not have much time for yoga and meditation practice now, I am walking a strong spiritual path as a mother, and am setting the foundation for the rest of the Pibler’s life right now.

It’s odd how I forget that on a day-to-day basis. It’s a real challenge trying to stay spiritually uplifted when my needs for solitude, retreat and sanga (spiritual community) are not met. I’m putting it out there that I need more of this, but for now, I’m going to make it a priority to meet with people who inspire me to keep my awareness. And I’m looking forward to being able to go on a sweat lodge again in the new year - I’ve missed those!

On the writing front, I’ve signed up for a free seminar called ‘Independent and E-Publishing’ through the Tight Lip Stories and Poetry organisation. There will be a discussion about how 3AM Magazine “built its strong reputation and made credible internet publishing as an alternative to print publishing in last 6 or so years, and a discussion about Internet publishing as an alternative route for writers and poets to get their work read by a wider audience, and as perhaps a route towards print publication”. Looking forward to that!

My raw food interest is expanding - I’m looking at recipes on the net and getting quite excited about trying some, such as a ‘green smoothie’ and a soup - a raw soup? I didn’t think it was possible.

Today I spent some time at my local raw food cafe. Apparently, in California they are practically on every street corner, but here in the U.K. raw food is still slowly catching on.

This morning I took little Pibler to Queens Park and walked him around looking at pigeons and squirrels. It was FREEZING. After two days of no break because of my partner’s work hours, I finally got to nip out in the late afternoon, and my chosen destination was Manna Cafe , the raw food cafe in Brighton where I now teach yoga. Although my intention was to get some writing done over a cuppa, instead I ended up getting into such a fascinating conversation with one of the owners, Kyle, a nutritionist.

I went away uplifted and inspired, not just by learning more about the benefits of raw food to one’s nutrition, but by realising that I can be part of a wider movement for real change in the consciousness of people and planet.

I’ve been struggling to figure out how, as a mother with very little time on her hands, I can be part of the ‘change I want to see in the world’ as the Gandhi quote goes. Sometimes it feels like it takes all my energy just to deal with tantrums, nappy changes and getting out and about with a toddler in cold weather.

Then a few weeks ago I discovered something called the Mothers Movement which aims to address social and economic issues affecting mothers and others doing unpaid care. In a nutshell, the movement aims to address the inequal power balances that result in the under-valuation of mothers’ work, and which forces them to make impossible choices about childcare, career and money.

I like this quote from Judith Stadtman Tucker, founder and editor of Mothers Movement :”Ol’ Che [Guevara] and I had something in common. Once you see injustice, you begin to see it everywhere. And once you begin to see injustice everywhere, once you take the awareness of it into your heart, you can’t stop thinking about what it would take to put things right.” Becoming a mother has certainly resulted, for me, in far more tears shed at listening to the news than ever before. I am incensed and saddened at the state of humanity and the planet on a daily basis.

But I’ve always felt stumped by: what can little old me do? My discussion with the owner of Manna Cafe today, helped me to realise that I don’t have to move to the country/ live in an ecovillage/ do outreach work in Peru, or whatever - I can start right here, right now, in the city I live. By joining with others who hold alternative visions for our society, and continuing to work on my own consciousness so that I can actively create and manifest this society - this Paradise that I always knew existed.

As a mother I can no longer just sit back and hope the world will get better, that someone else, somewhere else, will do this. I have to be part of co-creating a world where my son will be able to grow healthy, strong and happy.