Balancing Motherhood, Yoga and Writing

Last night I started my evening class, ‘First Steps in Fiction’. We dealt with writer’s block and how to resolve it, did a great writing exercise based on ‘Wordles‘, and looked at each other’s work.

Doing the course felt like being in another world. It was refreshing to interact with other adults not on the basis of our shared motherhood, but on something completely different. My love of words was re-awakened. It felt jarring to return to ‘normal life’ and the situation of the Pibler being awake (his fourth waking since bedtime three hours before) and unable to be re-settled. Eventually I brought him downstairs and he played energetically for an hour and a half, as I lacked the energy and patience to go through the whole putting-to-sleep routine for a third time that night.

I had to channel my grumpiness into washing dishes noisily. Cleaning can be quite therapeutic! I realised this morning that my problem is having expectations of any kind: expecting that, on my return from the course, I could sit down and tell my partner how it was, maybe have a cup of tea; expectations that I might have time to read a book during the day while the Pibler naps; all expectations that have been thwarted lately, causing frustration. So, bringing to mind my recent Buddhist reading, I resolved to ‘let it go’ and did just that. Instantly my mind felt more at peace - I was no longer setting conditions on my happiness.

It seems strange to me that I should still feel ‘hard done by’ at times even though I have much more scheduled ‘me time’ than I used to when the Pibler was younger. I mean, being able to do an evening class is something many mothers only dream of! But I actually find that the more ‘time off’ I get from parenting, the harder it is to return to it with grace. I get into the zone of being in my own head and doing the things I enjoy, and it’s that much trickier to drop it all again. In some ways, exhausting and unhealthy as it is in the long run, it’s easier for me to remain ‘in the flow’ of almost constant mothering. As I discussed with another mom friend today, it’s the taste of freedom that’s so tantalising, and then we come down to earth with a thud, realising that it was only fleeting.

I’m enjoying the homework assignment for the fiction-writing course: I’ve chosen to write an entry for the ‘Cats’ magazine competition (the magazine of Cats Protection) - a short story or poem - I’m going to see what comes out - and spent some of the brief ‘me time’ I had today, brainstorming on that. It helps me to have set challenges to get me writing. Now it’s just a matter of finding the time, as ever!