Balancing Motherhood, Yoga and Writing

Yesterday, a discussion with my partner about the measles epidemic warnings recently in the news, became very heated, very fast. Due to my concerns about the safety and efficacy of vaccines, based on my own continuing research, the Pibler remains unvaccinated - a controversial decision in many quarters - but his dad has always leaned more towards the side of the medical profession on this one.

Now that out-and-out ’scares’ are happening, and measles cases are apparently on the increase in the U.K. amongst unvaccinated children, the issue has reared its frustrating head again. My attempts at living consensually are severely challenged: how do we decide on a position that will take both our concerns into account, without overriding one or the other, and how, of course, do we take the Pibler’s opinion into account when he’s too young to have one?

While there is too vast an amount of information to go into here, a recent survey in the United States, investigating the links between vaccines and autism, neurological disorders and ADHD, as well as a recent vaccine-autism U.S. Court case, form part of the supporting evidence for my position. On the other hand, my partner’s opinion is backed up by the majority of mainstream science, and that is a hard one to argue with. Not only that, but the very real human emotion of fear: these reports elicit fear in parents, and bring a sense of urgency and alarm that can cause rushed decisions.

This subject somehow led onto another emotive issue for us both: formal schooling v.s. home schooling (or ‘unschooling’ as it’s sometimes known). Obviously, at 15 months the Pibler is too young for us to have to worry about this decision right now, but we’ve still had many discussions about it. I found school a demoralising experience and am on the side of supporting children’s natural learning curve in a way that is integrated with ‘real life’ rather than artificial learning environments such as classrooms. My partner loved school and thinks it offers opportunities that cannot be found elsewhere. 

What I keep coming back to is that we both want the same things for the Pibler: for him to be healthy, safe, and happy. Yesterday I started reading a fascinating book, ‘Buddhism for Mothers ‘ by Sarah Napthali, which gives so much wise inspiration and practical advice on how to be a calmer, more content mother. One of the things Napthali talks about is the fears and worries of the mother (and father’s) that the child will experience suffering. Yet, according to Buddhism, the suffering of life is unavoidable, and accepting this fact and working with it, rather than resisting it, is key to our ability to transcend pain and suffering. Reading this, I realised that a lot of the things I agonise over with regard to parenting, are a reflection of a belief that somehow, I can spare the Pibler any suffering. That I can protect him from bullying at school (say, by never sending him to school), humiliating teachers, low self-esteem, a range of diseases and side-effects that are associated with vaccines, and so on. Yet, if I make a decision one way, that also puts him at risk of other types of problems. Basically, there is no decision that is going to make everything okay, and make me blame- and guilt-free.

It’s quite a relief to look at things this way. We both want the best for the Pibler, now it’s just a process of letting things work out without black-or-white thinking and pointing fingers. We’ll need all the calmness and equanimity we can muster.