Balancing Motherhood, Yoga and Writing

Yesterday I had a bit of a wobbly about just how dependent the Pibler is on me.

I somehow thought that by six months, I’d be able to…I don’t know, maybe go to the toilet on my own? Then by a year or thereabouts, it seemed likely that he wouldn’t need me to be beside him to sleep more than a 45 minute stretch at a time. And perhaps I could leave him with a babysitter while I went out of an evening.

The reality has been so different from that. It’s only very recently, at 14 months, that I’ve been able to leave him with his dad for a couple of hours in the evening, and that he’s able to be put to bed by him: this was a huge milestone. I started worrying last night because I realised my breastfeeding counselling diploma course, starting next month, isn’t happening ‘at some point in the future’ when the Pibler will magically be less in need of me, but is happening NEXT MONTH. And that nothing drastic is likely to change by then.

I’ve been planning to leave him with a friend of mine, also a mother, who he is fond of and sees regularly, but who I’ve never left him alone with before - certainly not for half a day, twice a month, which is what this will involve.

I found myself beating myself up for being so foolish as to think this was realistic…worrying that it’s going to involve tears, and I won’t be close enough to get back to him, the course being in a town a train ride away…and then wondering if I’ve somehow ‘made’ the Pibler just …well, TOO attached.

I’ve heard people say they wouldn’t wear their babies in a sling around the house because it would make them too clingy - and of course, with my attachment parenting philosophy and knowledge that  babywearing has fantastic benefits, I scoffed at this.

But I have to admit that every now and then, like last night, I do wonder, and I have to have a bit of a sob down the phone to my long-suffering partner, who has to hear the machinations of my self-doubt and merry-go-round reasoning about parenting, on a daily basis. His truth in a nutshell: I should be able to close the door and go to the toilet without the little one in tow. He finds it hard to see me feel so trapped at times.

The truth is, there are more important things to me than privacy right now. Things like being able to detach the Pibler from the breast when he’s fallen asleep for a nap instead of remaining fixed to me, so that I can truly have a break. If I wasn’t a big reader I don’t know what I would have done.

What helped me in the end, though, was realising that it’s not helpful to compare  the Pibler to other babies. I always find myself thinking: “Oh, but Johnny can be left with another carer all day” or “Mary stopped breastfeeding more than once a day, months ago”…and it just doesn’t help.

It’s the Pibler’s individual needs and personality that I have to work with, not that of any other baby, and I believe a lot of that is inborn temperament. I think a revisit to Dr Sears’ ‘Fussy Baby Book’ , which I read when he was still very little, might be in order - I need to remind myself that a high need baby is NOT my fault…and find some tips on how to deal with it as he gets older.

My decision about the course is not final: I’m going to try taking the Pibler to my friends more regularly in the lead-up, which can be tricky  because of Christmas and all that entails, and try leaving her with him for an hour or two, see how that goes…my hopes aren’t high though. But I felt reassured after talking to one of the tutors on my breastfeeding peer support course today, who said that I can always try it and if it’s not working, I can pull out- they will understand.Sometimes I think I have to have all the answers, and right now too, but thankfully it doesn’t work like that.

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