Dec 14 2008
Settling into Winter Solstice
This year, as last year when I was still in ‘newborn shock’, I seem to be more in tune with the natural rhythms of moving into Mid-Winter and the approaching Winter Solstice. I’m enjoying just ‘calling it a day’ earlier in the evening and curling up with a book.
I’m reading a wonderful book called ‘An Irresponsible Age’ by Lavinia Greenlaw. It’s always one of life’s unexpected joys to discover a new (to me) writer and also discover they have other books! So I checked out her ‘Mary George of Allnorthover’ yesterday at the library.
‘An Irresponsible Age’ is one of those amazing books that manages to be both poetry and novel at the same time. I wish I could strike such a balance. It also has some of the most well-drawn, convincing and multi-faceted characters I’ve met, and all without over-dramatisation. This is something I struggle with in my own novel-writing attempts: character.
I’ve decided to make some major character ‘cuts’ in my novel - in fact considering cutting out a whole segment of the story, which feels about as painful as excising a wound, but I think must be done for the general health of the book. Sometimes I’m not sure if the novel will survive - I’ve been writing it for so many years now, on and off, that it feels as if I have a duty to finish it, and am too invested in the story to let it go..but for now, I am putting it aside until the new year, unless I feel inspired to do some character work or jottings. It feels right to embrace this time of the year, of the darkness and cold and inward-moving, giving more time to meditation and reflection, and not try to force the outward flow of creative expression.
In fact I’ve been revisiting the past in the form of looking at old journals again. Yesterday I read one from when I was thirteen! It was fascinating to see the kernel of who I am today, how some parts of my character - like being dramatic and mood-swingy, being obsessed with music and books and having an easily bruised, sensitive soul - have not changed, but others - like being materialistic and wanting ‘things’ all the time, have almost entirely disappeared (for now). If only there was a way of similarly locking into how I felt at the Pibler’s age, so I could understand him better - I now feel I understand 13-year-olds better, or at least the 13-year-old of the 1990’s - I have a feeling they’re quite different today!
My turn inward is also about replenishing myself - I am exhausted from the sheer hard work of mothering lately. The Pibler’s tantrums seem to be back with a vengeance, and I’m struggling with it. Yesterday when leaving a first year birthday party it was literally impossible to put his coat on, and I had to bundle him in the Ergo and wrap my coat around both of us. Once we were outside like this, he kept looking up and grinning at me: I concluded that he simply loves to be in the sling, and knows having his coat put on probably means going in the buggy. It’s hard, though, because being consensual also means meeting my need to not have a sore back!
His teething seems to have abated, at least the sleeping at night is less disturbed, but I think it’s possibly still affecting his mood and making him quite anxious, as he is needing to be held and picked up most of the time. I feel a little nervous about Christmas week, staying at my partner’s family, because I always feel self-conscious in front of them when the Pibler is breastfeeding so often - I know they don’t understand why we’re still doing this, and why a toddler would still nurse as often as a newborn at times. I also worry about being judged for a perceived ‘lack of discipline’ as that is what consensual living can look like to the uninitiated. Sigh. I never did choose an easy path, that much is clear, and I guess by now I should be used to being different. But it’s still hard.
