Balancing Motherhood, Yoga and Writing

It seems that the deeper I dig into this parenting business, the more fascinating it becomes. I thought I might be intellectually starved as mother of a little one, but there are so many theories and research studies to digest, this is far from the case!

On my quest to be a conscious parent I recently came across the concept of Consensual Living , mainly through the ‘natural parenting’ magazine Mothering’s Discussion Boards, Mothering Dot Community or MDC as it’s popularly known. I then found a Yahoo group that deals with the topic.

At first, I have to admit the idea of living consensually seemed to be taking things a bit too far. How can you give equal weighting to the needs and views of pre-verbal toddlers, who don’t know what’s best for them in terms of hygiene and health and safety? Or have any way of understanding that they really do need to wear their coat because it’s cold outside? Is it even advisable to give them this much power?

But I found this thread (which you’ll have to sign up to read) with a range of very creative solutions to everyday problems with pre-verbal toddlers, and I found the enthusiasm of the mothers practicing this way of living, quite infectious.

I like the Consensual Living concept of learning to treat every other human being in as peaceful and respectful a way as possible, finding ways where everyone’s needs can be met - or a middle ground between two if necessary - without automatically assuming a ‘my way or the highway’ position or falling back on power relations and hierarchies based on age.

So, today I tried it. I read Pibler a story before changing his nappy, when he was unhappy at that prospect. I took him outside briefly before putting his coat on, to show him it was cold - and he ‘put it on’ without protest (Note: Quite often the cause of quite a Scene). I put him in the Ergo when he’d only been out of his buggy for a short time, rather than trying to force him back into the buggy. It made for a harmonious day with, yes, not one single tantrum or unhappy clash of wills. And it wasn’t actually much more effort. Mainly, it involved not being in a rush, and taking my time to ease Pibler in and out of situations. Something I’ve already been working on because I am such a ‘rush about’ person usually.

There might be something in this… I remember trying the concept of consensual living with my partner when I first heard of it. It is of course a whole life approach, and not just about parenting. I found that treating my partner’s preferences and needs with equal respect instead of focussing on getting mine met, significantly changed the whole tone of our household. A related concept is Non-Violent Communication : I read a brilliant book about it a few months ago and now enjoy the ongoing column in the natural parenting magazine Juno about how to apply the principles to parenting.

Of course, alarm bells ring inwardly: like most people, I was brought up with traditional notions of ‘what parent says, child does’ and a secret part of me fears my child will run amok without a clear delineation of who’s ‘boss’. But I’m excited at this prospect to, once again, transform old beliefs that no longer serve me. It’s certainly  not the easy route, but proponents of Consensual Living often say that it makes their relationships so much easier in the long run.