Balancing Motherhood, Yoga and Writing

Today I spent some time at my local raw food cafe. Apparently, in California they are practically on every street corner, but here in the U.K. raw food is still slowly catching on.

This morning I took little Pibler to Queens Park and walked him around looking at pigeons and squirrels. It was FREEZING. After two days of no break because of my partner’s work hours, I finally got to nip out in the late afternoon, and my chosen destination was Manna Cafe , the raw food cafe in Brighton where I now teach yoga. Although my intention was to get some writing done over a cuppa, instead I ended up getting into such a fascinating conversation with one of the owners, Kyle, a nutritionist.

I went away uplifted and inspired, not just by learning more about the benefits of raw food to one’s nutrition, but by realising that I can be part of a wider movement for real change in the consciousness of people and planet.

I’ve been struggling to figure out how, as a mother with very little time on her hands, I can be part of the ‘change I want to see in the world’ as the Gandhi quote goes. Sometimes it feels like it takes all my energy just to deal with tantrums, nappy changes and getting out and about with a toddler in cold weather.

Then a few weeks ago I discovered something called the Mothers Movement which aims to address social and economic issues affecting mothers and others doing unpaid care. In a nutshell, the movement aims to address the inequal power balances that result in the under-valuation of mothers’ work, and which forces them to make impossible choices about childcare, career and money.

I like this quote from Judith Stadtman Tucker, founder and editor of Mothers Movement :”Ol’ Che [Guevara] and I had something in common. Once you see injustice, you begin to see it everywhere. And once you begin to see injustice everywhere, once you take the awareness of it into your heart, you can’t stop thinking about what it would take to put things right.” Becoming a mother has certainly resulted, for me, in far more tears shed at listening to the news than ever before. I am incensed and saddened at the state of humanity and the planet on a daily basis.

But I’ve always felt stumped by: what can little old me do? My discussion with the owner of Manna Cafe today, helped me to realise that I don’t have to move to the country/ live in an ecovillage/ do outreach work in Peru, or whatever - I can start right here, right now, in the city I live. By joining with others who hold alternative visions for our society, and continuing to work on my own consciousness so that I can actively create and manifest this society - this Paradise that I always knew existed.

As a mother I can no longer just sit back and hope the world will get better, that someone else, somewhere else, will do this. I have to be part of co-creating a world where my son will be able to grow healthy, strong and happy.

Someone on the Mothering natural parenting forums said “Could the ultimate act of creativity, reproduction, actually stop all other forms of creativity?” I can’t remember who it was, but that comment has stuck with me. I wonder.

Clearly being a parent contains a plethora of opportunities to be creative. Yesterday I attended a first year birthday party, and in the evening, a spiritual gathering, both, of course, with Pibler in tow. I always learn new ‘tricks’ when meeting with others socially: someone will initiate a game with Pibler that I never would have thought of, and I think ‘Wow. That’s original’. Like playing ‘catch the baby’: obvious, isn’t it, but I only ever thought of ‘catch the ball’.

Then there’s the mothers who are creative in an artsy-craftsy way. I admire them, making strings of hand-sewn letters spelling ‘Happy Birthday’, or home-baking cakes, or scrapbooking. I look at these activities and think: lovely, if I had the time. But I’m sure that, like most things in life, if you really want to, you do make the time.

But the kind of creativity that requires deep immersion, focus, and going into ‘another world’, such as novel-writing, certainly faces challenges during motherhood, or at least a motherhood without substantial family support or childcare. My decision, inspired by Oliver James’ influential book Affluenza as well as child development expert Penelope Leach’s Who Cares? - to not use significant amounts of childcare before the age of three has put me in a situation where my creativity time is necessarily ’snatched’ time.

This has, however, helped me to get off the procrastination treadmill and actually use my few snatched moments productively (well, usually - sometimes I just get sucked into the net - evil thing!). I can’t imagine what I did with all my ’spare time’ before becoming a parent. I must have ‘wasted’ a lot.

A discussion with a fellow mom yesterday also got me thinking about the Continuum Concept v.s. ‘child-centred’ living. She said that she plays with her 10-month-old most of the time because that seems developmentally appropriate, and because she wants to make her day as great as possible. And that nursery, therefore, is a logical place for her child because it’s so much more ‘entertaining’. I felt sad to think that mothers don’t consider themselves ‘entertaining’ enough for their own children.

There is plenty of evidence to show that young children are not, indeed, better off at nursery or ‘daycare’- particularly full-time - and can in fact be harmed by the experience, even affecting the behaviour of non-nursery children who attend school with them. Some good sources of solid research can be found on the website of the Full Time Mothers’ organisation and on the website Daycares Don’t Care.

I believe that children learn best from being immersed in ‘real life’, being part of our lives, and from consistent one-to-one interaction with key trusted individuals. Even if that does mean some sacrifices in the way of creativity. For now.

My friend, mother of a four-month-old, shared with me a good tip for surviving the all-consuming experience of being a mother.

Do one thing with the baby/for the baby, then one for yourself. I like this idea, and have been loosely applying it to my life. This morning I took Chibler to a music group for tots. Then this afternoon it’s my time to go and write while his dad takes over. I also apply it on a smaller scale: play ball with him for a few minutes, then check my email.

Last night I taught a great yoga class - one that I’ve newly taken over at Manna Cafe . It was so rewarding to teach a full class for a change after teaching an empty or very small one, for six months. The energy was intense, and afterwards I felt both ‘high’ and a little drained. Teaching Kundalini Yoga is so much more than just guiding people through postures - it’s about carrying the energy of the class and providing a safe space for people to work through whatever comes up for them - emotional, physical, resistance, memories, you name it.

As usual though I ended up running around before the class, trying to get everything ready in time. One of the problems I had to deal with was the fact that my rather expensive Yoga-Mad Natural Tree Yoga Mat, purchased a few months ago under the mistaken impression that I was paying £30 for 3 mats but was in fact paying that for only 1, ws generously decorated with bits of ‘Baby Bell’ cheese, deposited there by one of the toddlers who attended my Mom and Toddler Yoga session earlier this week. I couldn’t quite get it clean in time, since I was asked to take over this class at short notice, but luckily I don’t think anyone noticed.

 I think balance is the art of life for anyone, but particularly those of us who are parents. There’s the juggling that goes on between the needs of one’s children, which often seem to change day to day, and one’s own needs, as well as between children for those mothers of many. Then there’s the balancing act between mothering and the rest of life - activities that you require as a human being to feel full and complete.

For me, those things that are non-negotiable are: a daily yoga and meditation practice - which I was only able to resume fully a couple of months post-partum, and still occasionally don’t manage to do; a bit of writing every day, whether it’s journalling, blogging, article-writing or working on my  novel (on a good day, all of the above - but we’re being realistic here); and time to recharge through activities like dance, for example my Wednesday Wave dance class which, sadly, I have to give up now that I am teaching a new slot on Wed nights.

Time with my partner, of course, and time to just relax and read. It has taken me more than a year to come even close to feeling satisfied with the balance of all these things, mainly, I think, because I have chosen to follow the ‘road less travelled’ in terms of practicing attachment parenting and so-called ‘natural’ parenting as much as possible. This means that going out for a night happens rarely, if ever, and ‘a night’ usually  means an hour and a half.

My new thing is Thursday afternoons, though - this is my time to go to a cafe and write, browse in the library without having to rush straight to the children’s section, and have a hot chocolate without having to rush it (or have to move it out of reach constantly).

Knowing my interest in attachment parenting and hence my preference for slings over strollers (until, more recently, my back has started saying ‘no more’ and I’ve cut sling-wearing down to around the house only), a friend sent me a link to this article about the benefits of having a pushchair/stroller that faces towards rather than away from the parent. Apparently it helps the child to develop socially as more interaction takes place that way. I have to admit my cynical side comes out here: who exactly was paying for this research? How come buggies that face towards the parent are about four times the price of ones that face away? I know I would have chosen to have one facing towards me, if I could afford it, but alas, this was not an option. I don’t think we need more mother guilt heaped upon us please!

I’m listed under ‘parenting’ blogs, but I don’t want this to be another ‘mommy’ blog. I don’t think the world of mommy blogs needs yet another voice saying the same things in a slightly different (or not) way. What do I want this blog to be?

Right now my little one, who I’ll call the Pibler, (don’t ask) is nestled in the Ergo sling while I am crammed in the tiny space between my chair and the computer. After this I plan to work on my novel, if he is still asleep. I have given up trying to ‘put him down’ for naps as this way I get more work done.

So, clearly my life is mainly about being a mommy, and a so-called ‘Stay-at-Home’ mother at that (or SAHM in online forum-speak). But there is so much underneath that. There is a current of thought that has nothing to do with being a mom, that keeps me alive by a connection with the written word, with what’s going on in the wider world. This doesn’t mean being ‘just’ a mom isn’t wonderful, too. There are days when that’s how it is, and that’s fine, especially in the beginning when he was very little. And of course, I don’t really think those things are divorced from motherhood: hopefully they infuse my mothering so that the Pibler grows up with a well-rounded person for a mother.

Thank god for the Continuum Concept or I would have a serious case of mommy guilt. Wednesdays are usually my ‘no-plan’ day. The rest of my week is so crammed with things like volunteering at a breastfeeding drop-in, doing a course, ‘playdates’ and teaching yoga, that I relish this opportunity to just let the day unfold without any agenda.

In reality, that means catching up on dishes, laundry and hoovering. This morning there was a huge pile to tackle, which I did while Chibler had a productive time with the feather duster, various pots and pans, and a leftover onion peel (oops). Before that I dealt with various frustrating officials from gas and telephone companies, with Pibler mainly on my back in the Ergo.

Before I discovered the Continuum Concept, I thought I had to entertain him every minute, and felt guilty for attending to other things. Now I see how he is learning to do what keeps this household ticking over, and doesn’t always need me every second. Whew. It helps me to enjoy the time I do spend playing with him, because it’s a real joy and not an obligation.

So. Welcome to my blog. I’ve ended up talking about SAHM-ing anyway. Oh well. It will be a gradual unfolding. Since it’s about creating balance in life (not that I achieve that by any means), I am now going to stop blogging and attend to the writing project that has been eked out over the past five years: the eternal novel. I will finish it. I will finish it. Eventually.